Each Wednesday, I post a weekly update to the digest “If You Had Money”, which shows the sporting goods and memorabilia you could purchase if disposable income was no longer a thing of the past. Each week, it will inevitably leave you wanting…

Folks, we’ve hit the stage in the game where even the government is selling their stuff on Ebay. Solidifying it as truly the new white collar pawn shop destination to do your part to reenergize this woeful economy.

Thus, it’d be Un-American for you not to bid on an entire bowling alley…

120,000 K to buy it now. Includes 16 lanes with the AMF 8270 pinsetters, lockers, and seating.

Pick-up only or you’re responsible for the shipping. What in the name Big Ern are they talking about?!

How is the description for this not “Bowling Alley, contained in building; yes, you’re buying the rights to ownership of an actual building. Under no circumstances do we suggest that you transport these materials somewhere to be reassembled. That would be moronic.”

As always, I like to check out the credentials and what else these internet dealers have up for auction. Note: this guy scored a 57/100 on the ’seller’s reputation’ scale. That’s an F-minus. Be advised). He does have some dousies up on the block however…

Big Thunder Amusement Ride

Safari Jeep Amusement Ride

Majestic 10 Car Bumper Car Set

He’s actually throwing in the installation on that bumper car set, at NO additional charge. Except you’ve got to pay for the hotel and airfare for his entire crew.

I’ll admit, I didn’t love it when I initially learned that all roller girls competed under the guise of nicknames. It breaks a cardinal rule of sports integrity: don’t unnecessarily associate yourself with pro wrestling.

That was before I read any of them however. I believe it was Spinal Tap who said it best when they said, “there’s such a fine line between stupid and clever.” These are clever, in the 80’s porn star and metal groupy (two professions that survive - if not, thrive - today) sense. It’d be an appropriate time to mention that this poll is co-presented by Rafer Alston (formerly Skip 2 My Lu, from And1 Mix-Tape) and Brock Lesner.

I’ve nominated eight fierce, cleverly monikered, Hell on Wheels competitors below for you vote on, one from each of the teams that competed at last week’s WFTDA Roller Derby National Championship. Feel free to write-in other votes in the comments below - whether you’re a roller derby girl, or have a flair for low-brow creativity.

(more…)

It’s your standard turducken - a turkey, stuffed with a chicken and a duck, not necessarily in that order - wrapped in bacon. It’s something special. (via Holy Taco)

10 things that will make Chris Bosh go postal (Cuzoogle)
JMU Football Is Ranked Higher Than LSU (Mr. Irrelevant)
Michael Phelps Makes His ‘Entourage’ Cameo (The Sporting Blog)
The Wu-Tang Clan: Wu: The Story of the Wu-Tang Clan (Pitchfork Media)
Sexy Thanksgiving Dinner (Gunaxin)

This Sunday’s upcoming game between the San Diego Chargers and Oakland Raiders will be broadcast live in 3D…and IN SPACE!

Actually, according to the Wall Street Journal, the broadcast will be shown in three theaters in New York, Los Angeles, and Boston. In attendance will be mainly suits from the NFL broadcasting partners and consumer electronics companies.

The game is being shot with special cameras by 3ality Digital LLC, which bogarted that company name after Speed III was shelved in 1999.

This isn’t the first time the NFL has participated in a 3-D experiment. In 2004, a predecessor company to 3ality filmed the Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers. When Sandy Climan, 3ality’s chief executive officer, shows the footage, “people crouch down to catch the ball,” he says. “It’s as if the ball is coming into your arms.”

Personally, I haven’t been this jazzed about the third dimension since KISS released a music video in 3D off Psycho Circus. Also, can I be so bold as to predict that football in 4D is right around the corner? (Universal Studios has had 4D rides for years. So don’t go on Twister unless you want to get positively soaked). It’d go like this…bubble screen to Welker, Polamalu reads it perfectly! Next thing you know you’re riding the Human Touch massage chair from the Sharper Image store in the seventh layer of hell.

Kind of a throwaway sentence, but the WSJ article also notes that you’ll still have to wear the geeky blue/red cardboard comfort lenses.

Tri-Gold Medalist in Beijing and fastest man on Earth, Usain Bolt, could make $200,000 per race between now and the 2009 World Championships next summer. Though his focus will be on training for hopefully a repeat performance at the 2012 Olympics in London, promoters speculate that Bolt could become the first $10 million dollar man in track and field.

IT Gangsta Teaches Auto-Tune (NY Hoosier)
HHR Exclusive: Iron Mike’s Shanghai Surprise (Hugging Harold Reynolds)
Hot Oklahoma Sooners Girls (Gunaxin)
Jamie Lynn Sigler & Turtle? Say It Ain’t So! (Moondog Sports)
SAPP MISSES POINT ON BIGOTED COMMENT (via The Big Lead)

I’ve long been campaigning (lamenting to people with no authority or pull, whatsoever) in favor of the four day work week. It obviously hasn’t happened…yet.

In the interest of idealists nationwide, each Friday I’m going to draft a list of how I could be better spending my time if I wasn’t confined to the office.

Because I am nothing, if not overly productive, during freedom time.

Lobbying in favor of alcohol sponsorship in sports

Calling in an anonymous tip on Joey Porter, that meth head! (Do pay phones still exist?)

Three words: Stairmaster Segway Hybrid

Whip up some spiced poached iceberg lettuce

Cruise around on a Strida folding bike, avoid getting taken out

Complete a flawless run in the game Mouse Trap

Start a tribute band (Hall & Oates, maybe?). Apparently, they’re big business with late night TV shows

Visit sunny Pittsburgh, which after not interesting me as a city for almost 25 years, finally gives me a reason to go there

Buy a 2009 calendar, and check off all the days that UCONN basketball has Nationally televised games

Go as Natalie Coughlin’s date to the Golden Goggle Awards

A little light on quantity today, and for that, I apologize. And though 20 of these clearly exemplifies that I’ve grown lethargic, beyond the shadow of a doubt, 10 is still pretty despondent. Godspeed.

Japan News recently aired this clip of a Japanese Women’s Prison holding a sports day for the inmates.

These Sports Days traditionally take place each Fall in Japanese elementary schools. Called Undokai, they’re held across the country for kids ages K - high school, and features unusual games like pan-kui kyoso, which is a race where competitors must grab a piece of bread hanging at face height without using their hands.

Think MXC without the rope swing pitfalls, and the futile attempts at pillar-hopping, and the moats. Basically, it’s pretty budget. Not necessarily because of the traditions of Japanese sports day, but probably, because it’s jail.

I won’t tell you which team, but get yourself ready to see a phenom emerge (happens at about the 4:30 minute mark, if you want to expedite the process here) and carry her team to glory . Sweet, incarcerated, glory.

Also, like all transcendent timeless tales, one the characters has to convert. So prepare yourself for a security guard to be moved to tears towards the end of this.

According to the source of this video, Japan Probe, that was a “19-year-old prison guard who had recently started working at the facility and had never before seen such an event. She had previously seen the inmates as mainly criminals who deserved imprisonment as punishment for their crimes, but seeing them participate in the event has made her see them more as fellow human beings.”

Sporting meets detainment, bringing people together. Harmony, love it. Special recognition to the commenter who best speculates what that criminally speedy relay champ got sent up the river for.

The Lady Rams of my alma mater Fordham University got off the snide last night, and broke their 35-game losing streak, defeating the Manhattan Lady Jaspers 62-49 in the annual Battle of the Bronx.

Fordham after last season's record setting 29th loss (AP Photo)

Last year, Fordham set an NCAA record win 29 consecutive losses in one season. Their new recipe for success in 08-09, some dude named Randall Hurst, who led the team in scoring with 19 points in last night’s win.

I kid. The lovely and talented Miss Hurst (Junior, Forward) hit two three-pointers during a 19-4 run in the second half that put Fordham in control.

Despite the 2007-08 season of fruitlessness, Fordham didn’t even flirt with the NCAA record for consecutive losses - 58 by the 1987-89 Long Island University teams.

Link:

Fordham ends 35-game skid with win over Manhattan (NBC Sports)

Each Wednesday, I post a weekly update to the digest “If You Had Money”, which shows the sporting goods and memorabilia you could purchase if disposable income was no longer a thing of the past. Each week, it will inevitably leave you wanting…

I believe it was Lil Wayne who said it best when he said, “GOT MONEY! And you know it, take it out your pocket and show it, then throw it.”

If you’ve got 45 large to throw around, and are passionate about resurfacing ice, you might want to consider…

A brief anecdote about zambonis. About three months after I graduated college, I went back to campus for my first homecoming as proud alumni. My buddy Bob, from Memphis, couldn’t make it. So I proceeded to tell everyone that he’d gotten a job as the zambonist for the Nashville Predators - making five dollars per hour, but with full benefits and his own theme music (I want to say it was “Hungry Like the Wolf”). People were eating this up, and no one even questioned the fact that Nashville and Memphis are easily two-hours apart.

Interestingly enough, like Bob, this Zamboni technician is based in the South too. Thus, I couldn’t help but feel compelled to check out what else a guy from North Carolina who owns a zamboni had up for sale. Here are a few of his other auctions…

Bad Bowtie Monster Truck

1999 MONSTER GRAPPLE TRUCK CATERPILLAR KNUCKLE BOOM

Gentleman who identifies himself as chimskichim, you’re officially one of my heros.

Hurling doesn’t fool around when it comes to discipline. This makes Roger Goodell’s dealing with Pacman Jones look like permissive parenting…

A LENGTHY 96-week ban has been handed down to [John Cussen] following an incident in the west Limerick team’s county junior A hurling championship semi-final win over St. Patrick’s.

Cussen was charged with “bringing the game to disrepute” after he joined in a brawl that broke out in the final quarter of a game between Monagea and St. Patrick’s. Order was eventually restored, and the game finished with Monagea prevailing.

Kenneth Dawson, of St. Patrick’s, was also banned for 12-weeks for abusive treatment of a match official.

The Competition Control Committees of Irish Hurling do not take these incidents lightly. Last May, eight players from teams in Cork and Clare were suspended for a match following a brawl. Cussen’s ban of nearly two years was pinned on him by the Limerick Competition Control Committee. No mention if an appeal to Hurling’s Central Competition Control Committee will be sought.

New York: MTA’s planned cuts include everything from station agents to entire train lines (NY Daily News)
BCS Extension Really Stinks (The Sports Lounge)
Top-10 Eagles That Have to Go (Epic Carnival)
He’s Back: Stephen Curry Picks Up Where He Left Off in March, Scores 44 in Loss to Oklahoma (The Big Lead)
TNT Employs Current Players To Insult Barkley In New Commercial (Awful Announcing)