After showing restraint for about 24-hours, I tried the Colonel’s new Double Down today. It’s something alright.

I hit the streets, along with blogger and appreciator of fast food innovation Brian Ries (Free Williamsburg, NBC). Good thing. Because after finishing just 80% of that sandwich, I think I blacked out on the walk back to the office, and may be still wandering around Union Square in a food coma if he wasn’t there to help guide me back.

We made it though. And the short review is we’re in agreement that everyone should try this once. Once only. Frankly, I don’t know if I want to meet the lunatic who eats two of these…or seven.

Here are five things you need to know before you eat the KFC Double Down:

Don’t rely on the wrapper

As advertised, in lieu of bread, KFC serves this in a wrapper. It’s supposed to be for the sake of decorum I assume – so you’re not just holding two pieces of fried chicken like a heathen. However, be prepared for cheese and grease to envelop the wax paper. Also, don’t wring it out when you’re done, you’ll hate yourself more.

Wait the allotted five minutes between bites

And furthermore, if it’s served to you piping hot like ours were, wait five minutes before you take that first bite.

Five minutes between bites may seem a little ridiculous. Well, Ries took two bites back-to-back and started imagining that the two filets once knew each other as chickens and had a conversation about ending up as a sandwich…the point is, eat this thing at a snail’s pace.

No need to get the combo

As they’ll tend to do, potato wedges and Dr. Pepper aren’t going to make this less of an arduous task.

Where does this rank on the fast-food chicken sandwich scale?

I’d rank it higher than the McDonald’s Premium Crispy Chicken Club, but far lower than the Wendy’s Spicy Chicken. The Double Down’s best attribute is the Colonel’s sauce, which has a little zip and you’re not going to find on any other sandwich on the market.

Post-DD heartburn scenario

I cheated. I had a Tum’s before I even had a single bite. It’s called fear.

Approximately 1:00 after consuming Ries’ state is such: “At first we were at zero, now we’re at a 3.5. I predict things going South from here.”

I don’t think South means back towards zero.

Check out Brian Ries’ review of the KFC Double Down on NBCNewYork.com

KFC Double Down

I’ll give him credit, sometimes Jeremy Shockey does use Facebook to make a meaningful and positive connection with his fans, and I’m sure his 60,000+ Facebook followers appreciate the effort. Of course, other times he uses Facebook to:

A.) Speak in code (“Cngrts to mickelson.. good 1st tourny back for tiger”)

B.) Play with young girls hearts

Here’s that wall post from Friday that’s both stirring up conversation and embarrassing videos alike:

Ok LADIES heres the contest.. Post a video on the “just fans” section of my fbk fan page explaining why u deserve to have me take u on a date 1 nite this offseason… Contest ends sun night 4/18 at 8pm est… Lets have fun w this so be creative but just be careful its not too inappropriate where fbk deletes it!! good luck!!!

So far, of those 60,000 fans but three ladies have taken him up on this and posted videos. Two are almost unwatchable. The third is :18 seconds of a woman snowboarding in a bikini. She never actually defines herself as a contest entry. She might just be crazy.

With encouragement starting to trickle out from the bloggers – MJD writes, “Good luck, too, to the father out there who receives the following phone call: “Daddy, guess what?! I just won an internet contest to go out on a date with Jeremy Shockey!” – entries should start to pick up.

Become a fan of Shockey on Facebook here, ladies: http://www.facebook.com/Shockey

Yet another pristine day at The Masters. Going to keep the brief updates of mediocrity going on Day Two.

Eat it, McIlroy.

Here’s what annoys me about Rory:

1.) I constantly refer to him as Roy (for obvious reasons), and come off looking like an idiot

2.) Success at a young age is something to be suspect of. That’s why I’m trying to get rich, slowly.

McIlroy shot a five-over par 77 today to put him at +7 for the tournament, four strokes off the cut.

UPDATE: +3 is the new projected cut! Miguel A. Jimenez is in! (Capt. Ben Crenshaw, still out.)

Check out his scorecard on MajorChampionships.com

Yet another pristine day at The Masters. Going to keep the brief updates of mediocrity going on Day Two.

Miguel Jimenez. What’s wrong with you? You have more bravado in that ponytail alone than Lee Westwood and Ian Poulter combined! How are you going to shoot 75 today, and just miss the cut? (Currently, projected at +2; M.A.J. is in the clubhouse at +3.)

Hope you and Capt. Crenshaw have a nice time smoking stoges on the sidelines this weekend, Mike.

Check out his scorecard on MajorChampionships.com

Yet another pristine day at The Masters. Going to keep the brief updates of mediocrity going on Day Two.

Double bogey. Bogey. Double bogey. Bogey. Double bogey. PAR!

If I post that at Van Cortland Park while downing Coors Original, that’s one thing. However, this is how the first six holes went for Alexander Walter Barr “Sandy” Lyle today at The Masters – which is an abomination.

After shooting a 69 yesterday, Lyle’s 2010 have officially come to a grinding halt. He’ll make a pre-Cut exit after finishing at +11 for the tournament.

Check out his first round scorecard on MajorChampionships.com

Yet another pristine day at The Masters. Going to keep the brief updates of mediocrity going on Day Two.

They’re projecting the cut will be +4. After just sinking a birdie at 12 to move to +15, Michael Campbell needs to start making eagles, now.

That birdie is just his third at The Masters, to go along with 11 bogeys and three double bogeys.

He’s making it abundantly clear that he stinks.

In honor of this very glorious Day One at The Masters, aspiring to make multiple brief updates strictly pertaining to who shows up and lays down.

Ian Woosnam stinks. I haven’t heard his name since approx. 1992.*

Woosie is +9. Only Mike Campbell (+11) posted a lower score.

In other news, Tiger Woods is currently on pace to post his lowest first day score at The Masters ever.

*Woosnam won the damn thing in ’91. Give credit where credit is due.

Check out his first round scorecard on MajorChampionships.com

In honor of this very glorious Day One at The Masters, aspiring to make multiple brief updates strictly pertaining to who shows up and lays down.

Does anyone know Vijay’s World Rank off the top of their head? Of course not, because you don’t like him. He’s not a very attractive guy to root for – what with the uncouth remarks, and what not.

Battling a bad back, The Big Fijian is in the clubhouse at +4. Dubious moments from his round today include five bogeys and two double bogeys – which includes a 6 on the first hole.

Check out his first round scorecard on MajorChampionships.com

In honor of this very glorious Day One at The Masters, aspiring to make multiple brief updates strictly pertaining to who shows up and lays down.

At the rate the field is going, Jim Furyk may have to card in the low 60s to make the cut tomorrow. (Even so, can you completely count The Grinder out?) After being two-under thru three at one point, Furyk sank four double-bogeys on the back nine and shot a plus-8 80 today. Currently, that’s putting him tied for 93rd with A. Hansen. I bet you can find out why they call Furyk The Grinder faster than you can find out A. Hansen’s first name.

Check out his first round scorecard on MajorChampionships.com

In honor of this very glorious Day One at The Masters, aspiring to make multiple brief updates strictly pertaining to who shows up and lays down.

There are far worse rounds completed and on-going. However, Tom Watson is in the clubhouse at -5, which puts Rory Sabbatini eight off the pace after 18 holes. Plus, he’s a jerk. This is by far my favorite collections of mis-fires early on today. Again, anything can happen. But I’m definitely voting for the more stand-up guys – a Larry Mize, a Jim Furyk, a Capt. Ben Crenshaw – to turn it around tomorrow far more than Sabbatini.

Check out his first round scorecard on MajorChampionships.com