Via WashingtonPost.com’s Crime Scene:

On Saturday, state and local officials raided booths at the [St. Mary's County farmer's] market in Charlotte Hall, Md. and came away with $88,413 worth of merchandise with counterfeit trademarks, authorities said.

Authorities said they hauled away clothing with fake logos from the National Football League, Major League Baseball and National Basketball Association.

There were counterfeit Coach, Gucci and Louis Vuitton purses, too.

St. Mary’s Sheriff’s officials said seven suspects were identified and prosecutors are reviewing the case.

When I first read this, I was confused (probably because I’m terrible at thievery). If it’s all counterfeit, why is the lot worth $80 Grand? Well, as my source @asilentflute asserts: “must have been a sh*tload.”

Way to be discreet, merchants.

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Let me preface this by opening myself up to some criticism. In trying to recall if there were any new episodes of Saturday Night Live coming up, here was my thought process:

Wait, isn’t the episode with Justin Bieber supposed to air soon?

For everyone not in know (cool people), it’s the next new episode of SNL, airing April 10.

The smart money says this story won’t outlast the news cycle, but here’s hoping that John Malkovich’s retribution demands directed at the Madoff camp spurn Bill Hader as Malkovich on Weekend Update next Saturday. There’s certainly a better chance of that than Malkovich taking back the full $2 million that was sheisted from his trust.

Here’s a look at Hader’s brilliant work to date as Malkovich on SNL (via Hulu)

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True geek alert #199: If you type Mark McGwire into your Google search, this is what shows up…

I think we’re going to be able to add ‘Mark McGwire and crying’ real soon.

At the moment, when you type Mark Mcgwire cr…Creatine is prompted before crying; I searched for Mark Mcgwire on Google, ask me anything.

The payoff to all this nonsense…hilarity.

I bet you thought that was going to be all legitimate, what with the AP chyron in there, right? Wrong again. To make up for it with something informative on the matter, check out SportsRadioInterviews.com’s post of Dave Henderson’s, former Mcgwire teammate with the A’s, interview today with ESPN 101 in St Louis:

Dave Henderson: “When you shower with a guy every day, you notice their body and muscular transference and these guys got big overnight and we kind of knew something was up”

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I shouldn’t even give this criminal low-life the satisfaction of being affiliated with one of the great faux criminals (read: realistically, nothing more than one of, if not the, most badass TV characters of recent times), but the look-alike factor is just too staggering not to point out.

See it for yourself, animosity after the jump…

The real reason I’d like to interject The Wire into the conversation, one of the great mantras of show re: doing hard time amongst the convicts on the show was, “You only do two days – the day you go in, and the day you get out.”

Well, here’s hoping those two days of Donte Stallworth’s not-at-all laughably unjust 30-day sentence (30 FREAKIN’ DAYS) for DUI manslaughter are unpleasant and unusually unsettling.

Donte Stallworth gets 30 days in jail for DUI manslaughter in FLORIDA! (Crooks & Liars)
NFL Cannot Follow Legal System in Letting Stallworth Get Off Easy (Fanhouse)

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Meet George Spady Jr. He’s neither the father of the year (he enlisted his son, and other youngsters from the Little League team he coached to rob a store), nor that much of a criminal mastermind (he chose to pilfer the overhead lights, and some bolts?)

ARLINGTON — An Arlington Little League coach is accused of showing some of his players how to steal more than second base.

Investigators allege that George Spady Jr. was with his son, a nephew and another player from his baseball team when he broke into a vacant shop and took overhead lights and bolts. The boys were encouraged to assist with the break-in, Snohomish County deputy prosecutor Edirin Okoloko wrote in court documents.

Spady’s like a regular Walter Matthau in The Bad News Bears, only more lawless.

[The boy] told investigators that Spady’s son crawled through a vent on the back side of the shop and unlocked the door for his father. Spady, his son and Spady’s nephew then went inside and came out with light fixtures and some other items, according to court documents.

[The boy] told investigators that Spady yelled at him to go inside and grab more from the shop, and told him to hurry up because he saw a truck drive by, Okoloko wrote.

They don’t say how old the accomplices he coerced are, but Spady Jr. is 31, so I’m guessing 10 (maybe younger??) Geez. I see a restraining order (don’t even come within 200 ft of the snack shack) and “visitation rights, denied” in this guy’s future.

Arlington coach put Little League boys up to burglary, police say (HeraldNet.com)

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Danica “Go to GoDaddy.com to see more (wink, wink)” Patrick’s moral compass is being questioned after her comments revealed her seemingly blase attitude towards performance enhancing drug use in sports.

In an interview published in this week’s SI, Dan Patrick asked Danica Patrick: Would she take performance-enhancing drugs if she would not get caught and it would lead to her winning the Indianapolis 500? To which she responded,

“Well, then it’s not cheating, is it? If nobody finds out?”

Danica also yapped about how Motorsports in general, dare I say, embodies deceit?

“It would be like finding a gray area. In motorsports, we work in gray areas a lot. You’re trying to find where the holes are in the rule book.”

Here’s hoping Danica stays off the drive-200-mph-more-angry juice and sticks to tweaking her catylitic converter to get that edge.

Danica Patrick says what every pro athlete is thinking: It’s not cheating if no one finds out (FAN IQ)
Danica Patrick ~ Would Cheat if She Wouldn’t Get Caught (BobsBlitz)