In the Holiday hierarchy, I put Fourth of July at a strong #5 (after Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Years Eve and Bulletproof Saturday). It’s a very solid holiday. The three best things about Independence Day in reverse order…

3.) Coolers of Domestic Canned Brews

2.) Freedoms, F#ck yeah

1.) Copious amount of hot dogs, Double F#ck yeah

Fireworks are overrated. In honor of the official wiener holiday, I feel compelled to recognize the athletes that bring showmanship to that upper echelon of arrogance known as hot doggin’ here are your top five in no particular order:

Deion Sanders

Chad Johnson, Steve Smith, his former-teammate and brother in hot doggin’ Michael Irvin, they could all make a case for being the biggest NFL hotdog. In my opinion, Deion was the original and no one did it better.

Deion raises you the “Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express,” Chad.

Ricky Davis

Deion is a great example of why hot doggin’ is not necessarily detrimental to one’s performance. Ricky Davis, is not. He’s basically Wesley Snipes in White Men Can’t Jump playing against better guys. Also, Reggie Miller is my runner-up for basketball hot-doggin’.

Manny Ramirez

Not as much of a cautionary tale of hot doggin’ it as Davis, but pretty damn close. Manny invented and constantly toes the line between hot doggin’ and foolishness. Interested to see if he keeps it up when he makes it back from suspension jail purgatory.

Alexander Ovechkin

The guy scored 52 goals in his rookie season. Plus, Wale made him the first hockey player to be mentioned in a rap song (Do it for the capital, Wale Ovechkin). He can start breakdancing after goals if he wants, if you ask me.

Ronaldo

Kind of a darkhorse for the top five, Ronaldo is actually a hot dog tandem threat.

Hot dog showman on the pitch…

Nice eventual pass out of the box, Fancy Feet.

And hot dog…connoisseur, shovel, black hole. Double points for being a fatty fat fat.

Honorable Mention:

Kobayashi, just because the guy’s sport could be called hot-doggin’. He is probably gonna be like “dude, really?” once he realizes he didn’t make the top five. I personally find his performances to be cerebral at best.

Happy Fourth Everyone!

In the interest of idealists nationwide, each Friday I’m going to draft a list of how I could be better spending my time if I wasn’t confined to the office.

Because I am nothing, if not overly productive, during freedom time.

Lobbying in favor of alcohol sponsorship in sports

Calling in an anonymous tip on Joey Porter, that meth head! (Do pay phones still exist?)

Three words: Stairmaster Segway Hybrid

Whip up some spiced poached iceberg lettuce

Cruise around on a Strida folding bike, avoid getting taken out

Complete a flawless run in the game Mouse Trap

Start a tribute band (Hall & Oates, maybe?). Apparently, they’re big business with late night TV shows

Visit sunny Pittsburgh, which after not interesting me as a city for almost 25 years, finally gives me a reason to go there

Buy a 2009 calendar, and check off all the days that UCONN basketball has Nationally televised games

Go as Natalie Coughlin’s date to the Golden Goggle Awards

A little light on quantity today, and for that, I apologize. And though 20 of these clearly exemplifies that I’ve grown lethargic, beyond the shadow of a doubt, 10 is still pretty despondent. Godspeed.

In the interest of idealists nationwide, each Friday I’m going to draft a list of how I could be better spending my time if I wasn’t confined to the office.

Because I am nothing, if not overly productive, during freedom time.

Inquire about this young lady’s Stairmaster routine

Look into becoming a Minister of Sport

Let Giada teach me (I’m referring to teaching me the art of Tuscan cuisine, of course)

Sell Lebron my dad’s Barry Manilow collection

Find girls who like Guitar Hero. And look like these.

Claim a portion of a sports franchise’s windfall profits (sweet payout)

Show up at the Philly tailgate, and compete in (dominate) the beer joust (just be on the lookout for the bafooniest group of mongoloids in the parking lot)

Somehow, acquire a free subscription to Wizard Magazine

Price Rorschach trenches

Put drift tires on the old…ok, you found me out, I don’t own a car

Walk around France (Lower East Side) beating on stuff with drum sticks (Man Man is a stupendous band!)

Pick up some Vicktory Dogs vino for my next suaree (of warehouse, back alley cocktail affair)

Tweet @ShaquilleOneal quotes from Kazaam

Tune-in (online) to the Roller Derby Nationals!

Stage a protest (a hostile one, if possible) against the S.C.A. (Society for Creative Anachronism – how much douchier can you get?!)

Get the Phil Spector doo

And finally, test my luck in the Urban Rodeo (sadly, these guys are a walking argument for why it’s a good thing we’re all stuck at work today)

So there you have it, some activities to consider. You’ll probably just end up creating a spoof profile on J-Date. (That you’ll actually check regularly).

In the interest of idealists nationwide, each Friday I’m going to draft a list of how I could be better spending my time if I wasn’t confined to the office.

Because I am nothing, if not overly productive, during freedom time.

Strategically map out a TB route for Operation: One Free Taco? Nay, Many Free Taco day

Come up with less creepier packaging for broccoli

Deliver a far creepier monologue on the bus

Graffitying (sp.) the street

Answer all that pesky fan mail

See like 10 bands per hour, all day, for free

Add top Zombie flicks to my Netflix cue

Track down Russian Bear vodka

Come up with a plan for how to not get myself (and fellow geeks) pranked on April Fool’s Day

Everywhere I go, with swagger (help raise the stats!)

Cat proof my apartment

Organize an anti-Palin 2012 (never too early) rally

Send out my latest round of Halloween Costume Suggestions fo’ the Ladies via email

Grab a pen and a pad, and start crafting lyrics for a Political rap album

Tweet justice will prevail! @Osama

Write the treatment (screw the whole script!) for the Lil Wayne biopic

Get in touch with the nerd vote, see if they want to back the Four Day Work Week platform