Taking this opportunity to wish everyone good tidings, and comfort and all that jazz. Hear one of my favorite Christmas tunes from the Kinks below, but first…

For the young and impressionable and those looking to write among you, wanted to announce that I’m looking to add contributors to Steady Burn in the new year. Even wrote up a fancy job description for it:

Position: Steady Burn Contributing Blogger

Requirements: Cursory knowledge of the English, and the ability to quasi-piece its wordage into sentences, w/o pissing people off too hard; good writing skills. Additionally, should have a strong knowledge of social media, particularly how to navigate and promote content using social news sites (Digg, Reddit, Stumble Upon, etc.). Additionally, moderate (…to obsessively heavy) usage of Twitter and Facebook a must. A strong rapport with other sports and entertainment bloggers a plus. Oh, and if you morally or otherwise object to using the WordPress platform, stop reading now.

Responsibilities: Contribute 3-5 blog posts (300-500 words) per week to the site. Topics to vary from sports, pop culture and entertainment, music, film <<< ya know, sh#t people are engrossed by. Writer is responsible for researching and developing their own posts – there will be no assignments whatsoever. Person will also be expected to share and syndicate their own content via their social networks.

Compensation: A share of the proceeds from ad revenue (I’m not joking)

About the Website:

Steady Burn is a site dedicated to sports, pop culture and rock n’ roll. I started Steady Burn in late 2007 as a personal blogspot sports blog, and it has since grown into a visible entity in different sports and entertainment social media communities online. Initially focused on fringe sports culture (roller derby, kickball, etc.), in recent times, we’ve grown to encompass a wider range of topics – pop culture, web culture/social media, entertainment, music, bacon, white collar boxing, etc.

Steady Burn has been linked to by leading online websites including SI.com, Yahoo! Sports and Yahoo! Music, ESPN.com, USAtoday.com, as well as sourced in traditional media outlets (Arkansas Press-Democrat, Chicago Tribune).

I’ve worked vigilantly the past 18-months to increase the visibility of the site, and am interested in working with enthusiast individuals who want to help continue to do so through helping to generate more content on Steady Burn.

Apply: If you want this, if you really want this, you call me on Monday and we’ll talk…ok, email me and we’ll talk: mikeehayes@gmail.com


On applying, if I know you or you’re referred by a close confidant, you won’t actually have to apply (like this gentleman). Just email me that you want in, and it will be made so.

Happy Holidays! Enjoy the yuletide stylings of The Kinks performing ‘Father Christmas’.

I just did gift inventory, I’m about 50% done with Christmas shopping. It’s December 22, which means for about the eighth straight year I’ve set myself up for a Christmas Eve and Festivus filled with last-minute shopping agonizing pain. For those of you who are like me and have had that part of your frontal lobe (the part that triggers around Thanksgiving and says: hey, jerk, go buy gifts for your loved ones) removed, I’ve put together a last second gift guide to help you out.

And since I’m vastly under-qualified to give this sort of advice, and there were no elves around to kidnap and hold hostage in return for information, I’ve enlisted comedian Heather McDonald (The Chelsea Lately Show) to give advice as well.

Being the last second gift guide, all of our suggestions are from easily accessible places like CVS, Walgreens, Lowes, or can be bought online. If you want really good advice, check out the MasterCard Priceless Gift Finder, where you can earn free MP3 downloads on the purchases you make.

The Dave and Busters Eat and Play Combo ($15)

Heather:

This is the perfect gift because if your kids are anything like mine they don’t sit at tables so why not let them play games instead of lying on the germ-infested floor.  Also Dave and Busters has the kind of food my kids like — void of vegetables.  That’s right.  My kids don’t eat vegetables (how they are surviving, I have no idea).  I also have no idea why they are not obese to point where their only means of transportation is forklift, but they are not, so therefore I don’t worry about it until I’m at someone else’s house and am forced to bring my own bag of frozen corn dogs because I know they won’t eat what is being served, which is really embarrassing.

Connect 4 2.0? ($19 from Target)

Heather:

I love Connect 4 because Beyonce claims to be a champ at it and Beyonce and I are a lot alike. Since there are five of us in my family I like that four players can play and only one person will feel left out as opposed to three. It looks a little difficult but I feel confident that I can still beat my seven-year old son because I take losing pretty badly.

Rival Crock Pot ($15.87 from Lowes)

Mike:

Here that bustling in your hedgerow out back? That’s a Lowes being put in. Where’d they all come from suddenly? Is this company Canadian? There’s three in Queens for godsakes – not exactly the home & garden capital or the World.

Anyway, walk down the block to one of your local Lowes and pick up a slow cooker.

Parents, nothing says I have a 40% confidence in your kids (between the age of 20 – 35) to fend for themselves like a crock pot. Slow cookers are also like the home goods equivalent of the Red Rocket BB gun. There’s a level of special adolescent danger. Just this past Sunday morning at 4 a.m. we threw 11 lbs. of pork shoulder in the thing and then passed out for nine hours – we had delicious pulled pork and a story to tell later that day.

The Golf Range Finder ($429 from Best Buy)

Heather:

I think this is the perfect because my husband leaves to play golf every Saturday morning for anywhere between three and 13 hours, and his cell phone doesn’t work so maybe this could help me find him.  I am assuming this gift is for golf widows who want to find their husband and yell at them.  I am definitely putting this at the top of my list.

Rub My Duckie Christmas Ornament ($27.99 from Walgreens)

Mike:

I’ll be honest, I thought Heather was going to take this one. Then she went and selected the range finder. Awesome.

All I can say about this is for years I’ve thought, what do my Christmas tree ornaments need? And the answer: more sexy sex. Which of course is barely achieved by a vibrator disguised as a rubber ducky in a Christmas orb.

Also, if you’re still pondering clicking the link, the last line of the description reads: “…and Grandma is none the wiser!”

Creepy sidebar: Every chain drug store website has a sexual wellness section.

Going Rogue ($17.39 from Borders.com)

Heather:

This book is the perfect gift because Sarah Palin has great hair. I’m sure there has got to be at least one chapter on how to get the perfect carmel highlights or at least a “tell all” chapter about how she wore a “Bump-it” hair piece on the infamous Katie Couric interview.

Twilight Saga New Moon ($25 from Big Lots)

Mike:

All the parents who love their angst-ridden tweens unconditionally have probably already snatched up all the Twilight rubbish, but I’ll wager that many lack the vision to go to Big Lots to procure it.

Without even an inkling of intel into the gameplay, I can only hypothesize that after a Monopoly-sized duration the winner turns into a vampire who will then jealously feast on the blood of their friends who got the video game on blu-ray for PS3.

First Check Home Cholesterol Test ($19.99 from CVS)

Heather:

This is the perfect gift especially if you choose to take the test right after you consume a huge Christmas dinner just so you feel extra disgusting.  It tells you in that special way that you are in fact slowly killing yourself.  It is also fun to take to the DMV and test out on total strangers in the hopes of making you feel better about your own cholesterol number providing theirs is higher.  It should come with a tub of “I can’t believe it’s not butter” and some Egg Beaters. Then it would really be a package.

Lotto Tickets (Various prices at your local gas station)

Mike:

Heather may not agree with this, but I find the commercials advertising lotto tickets on par with the Zales commercials in terms of romance. Nothing says I love you so much, I stopped at BP on the way over like a Pick 4, Cyrano.

White Diamond Body Radiance Perfumed Body Powder ($12.99 from CVS)

Mike:

Equally common to sexual wellness at pharmacies, is the gifts for him and her, which is all perfumesque product. This is my perceived worst of the bunch – that $12.99 price tag is like a cancer warning.

Sidebar: If I could wax philosophical on perfumes and colognes in pharmacies and drug stores. They keep them mostly in front of the store by the register, why? That’s your point of purchase display strategy, CVS? Just something to think about next time your searching far and wide through the store for the combos.

The 2010-11 Ultimate Race Around the World, the ultimate solo mission sea race, will feature a prize pot of over $2.5 million dollars, organizers announced yesterday.

Formally known as the Velex 5 Oceans Race, is a round-the-world single-handed yacht race sailed in stages. It has been held every four years since 1982 (Renamed Around Alone in 2006), and is the longest race for individuals in any sport! Sponsors said that part of $2+ milli investment will go towards accommodations and logistics for the competitors.

This prize pot becomes the largest on the high seas (at least on the Open 60 circuit), and it’s announcement comes on the heels of the news of sponsorship turmoil amongst the players of the World’s best known nautical competition, The America’s Cup.

The seven: NBA movies opening for Christmas (Cuzoogle)
AccuScore on Yahoo: K-Rod Adds 10 wins for Mets (Yardbarker)
MoonDog’s Heisman Ballot – Colt McCoy Is The Man (Moondog Sports)
Chat With Kobe About His New Shoe Tomorrow! (Slam Online)
The Old Electric Sink Prank (Don Chavez)
Taste Test: Baconnaise (The A.V. Club, via Pop Candy)