RSM McGladrey is holding an essay contest to win a date with Natalie Gulbis.

Essay contest? Apparently, they’ve been reading my blog posts on the resurgence of kickball, and have realized that everyone wishes they were still in fourth grade.

It has to be under-200 words. Lucky for Natalie, I am as succinct as I am suave.

Top-3 reasons Natalie and I are perfect for each other:

1. My dream job…pro caddy (though I’d give it all up in heartbeat to be Natalie’s human golf tee)



2. I’ve put myself on a thirty year plan to join the Champion Tour – plan to shave a stroke, and add a yard of driving distance per year.



3. I’ll take a Wii golf babe over Wii fit babes any day of the week

Supposedly the theme of the essay is Who’s Behind Your Success? However, I figure it will be hard to argue with my above reasoning…especially when I’m so goddam independently successful

Go check it out, and maybe you’ll have a shot at one of the runner-up prizes like the SkyCaddie measuring device.

This was once again not your prepubescent self’s kickball…

In the second game I watched during yesterday’s Third Annual International Kickball Invitational in Brooklyn, N.Y., a girl playing first base was brought to the ground by an opposing player barreling down the base line. His tackling technique was nothing if not textbook. She bounced back remarkably well from the bear hug take down, as her team’s second baseman ran to cover her up – as one of her boobs had freed itself from her bikini top.

Along with All-Star teams assembled from the Brooklyn League, there were squads in attendance from Canada (read: International!), the deep South (Atlanta), and the midwest (Hoboken, NJ).

The eventual champions – one of the four Brooklyn teams – notched a mercy rule victory in their second game of the day, against a team that came all the way from Toronto.

So did you guys rent a church van or something? I asked some the Canadians. No, gas is stupid, we took the bus…it took 11 hours. That’s a long ways to come to get throttled like that.

The tournament ran all day Saturday from 1 – 11 p.m. – which by my estimation is the longest recorded kickball tournament since Jesus coined the term balls in 15 A.D. (Quote: Get these balls, sucka sayeth the Lord to Judas; Corinthian 21:12)

McCarron Park in BK provided the ultimate self-indulgent backdrop for an organized group of several hundred adults playing an elementary school game. Like most hot, humid days in New York, the park was overrun with beautiful people laying on beach towels, just sort of looking at each other. Also, there was not one, but dueling Mister Softee trucks – which will be getting my business, I wonder?

Prior to the start of the tournament, I spent a good amount of time sitting on a bench drinking a 32-ounce Budweiser out of styrofoam cup watching these Polish kids pelt each other with water balloons. A little girl about five flanked me, and hit me square in the junk with one. Miraculously, it didn’t pop; she was so mad it didn’t explode all over me. I was relieved, I didn’t need to walk around the rest of the day with wet junk.

Even though they didn’t play particularly well, the Canadians did show up with Maple Leaf umbrella hats, an apparent traveling mascot dressed as Dionysus, and ketchup flavored potato chips.

Luckily I had the 32-ounce King of Beers or I never would have gotten the taste of those putrid chips out of my mouth.

See some more photos of the tournament below, as well as one of the more clever trash cans I’ve seen in my day. Check out more at BrooklynKickball.com as well.

Over 200 undead showed up in Portland last weekend for the aforementioned Zombie Kickball.

As the appointed hour approached, dozens of the undead of all ages streamed onto the field. Two zombies in Hawaiian shirts carried maps; another wore a bloodied wedding dress and clutched a frying pan; one was wrapped in a vine and carried a watering can; more than a few were impaled with various implements or carrying rubber body parts. (via SunJournal.com)

…Zombies from all walks of the afterlife! Including Elvis who, according to my sources on the inside, lost track of the game at one point and was seen knawing on his hand in the outfield.

Apparently, Zombie Elvis works as an educator and composer in the community too. True Story.

See more Zombie Kickball 2008 photos here.

…rumor is that they’re staging another one of these sometime soon in Bellingham, WA to be filmed professionally.

In my opinion, this has basically turned into a game of one-upping. It seems that the further I dive into the World of kickball, the stranger it gets.

And these guys make the pirates from Brooklyn look like merely over-enthusiast camp counselors.

What is weirdest to me is that this is happening in Portland, Maine of all places. Isn’t it like the L.L. Bean Capital of the World?

Ah… Vacationland! It’s here at long last… Summertime in Portland, Maine! Barbecues all over Munjoy Hill, picnics across the Eastern Promenade. Kites flying above the East End Beach, boats sailing in Casco Bay. Friends and lovers lazing on the lawn, families basking on the beach, children frolicking on the playground…

That little snapshot of tranquility came right off the Zombie Kickball MySpace page.

Game play and strategy definitely appear open to individual interpretation. However, the two rules that participants in Zombie Kickball must adhere to above all else are be civil…and be courteous.

To be more specific, that means don’t stagger through flower beds, don’t stumble against cars, and keep your moans to a dull roar.

And, of course, be respectful of the Bayside Little Leaguers playing nearby.

The Third Annual (kickin’ ass and taking brains since 2006!) Zombie Kickball happens on Sunday, June 29 on the Eastern Prom in Portland.

Check out some footage and photos from year one here:

The latest in performance stilt technology. These things claim that you’ll be able to jump up to seven feet in the air and run at speeds up to 21 mphs.

…and if you’re this guy, back-flip down residential streets and leap over an F-150.

Pogo-stickers, eat your heart out.

They’ll run you about $350 bucks. But the children’s model is available for only 339.99.

The kids model? Maybe its because I grew up in the era of Crocodile Mile and the Skip-Bo. But who would get these for a sweet, innocent, teeth-intact child?

Man, adults decide to take kickball back from fourth-graders, and this is what happens?

I will conclude my expose of the kickball universe whenever the hell folks stop feeding me gold…

Since first posting about the gals of the Tampa Bay kickball league, I’ve received multiple emails and comments from kickball enthusiasts in D.C., Memphis and Quebec; I’m now subscribing to like ten RSS feeds for kickball blogs.

Please keep sending! I assure you that info about kickball glory and prowess will be given as much consideration (at least half the time) as the details about on-field violence and degenerate off-field behavior.

Now get a load of these monkeys…

I first learned about this site from the Gothamist post on the kickballer who was arrested wielding a sword in Macys. Amongst all the potshot comments, a link to a website with an overtly inimical message stuck out – dieyuppiekickball.com.

The site serves as an organizational hub for the Anti Yuppie Kickball Guerilla Front, whose credo reads:

We, the Anti Yuppie Kickball Guerilla Front, do advocate all ridiculous direct action and pranks persuant to the collapse of kickball for Young Professionals in the greater Washington, DC area. For too long have we sat idle while all the chumps, douche-bags, yuppies, and stripey-shirt imported assholes of this town coalesced their power under this banner.

Here’s the conspiracy chart… because when it comes to militant action, there is such as fine line between the rational and the delusional:

Here’s a diagram that details ball-napping, one of the AYKGF’s guerilla tactics… sadly, there are no examples of this on YouTube, and no wikipedia page has been created yet.

…

A recent news item from the site reports that Agent T-Bone has been stripped of rank and privilege and declared excommunicate after admitting joining a Brooklyn kickball league.

A post from October 2007, details the arrest of Agent Inquisitor K, who was later arraigned on several charges including advocating terrorism.

After several google searches for Inquisitor K (…and “terrorism”;…and “U.S. Marshals”;…and “aggravated assault” + “ball-napping”), nothing came up to corroborate the post…shocking. From what I can tell, the title of Inquisitor implies a high-level in the chain or command, more so than both Agent and Conscript.

If you think this might be for you, I’d encourage you to visit the site and check out the Join the Front page. They’ve posted some of their “most righteous application statements”, like:

“Crusaders against banal conformity, accept my service! This plague of idiots must know the stink of a shit bomb; they WILL learn that the ball they enslave exists to smite them in a dodgeball frenzy!”

…personally, I’m trying to envision what would happen to somebody lest they were actually put in jail for some of this.

You’ve probably heard about the guy who was arrested Sunday in Macy’s while on his way to a kickball game carrying his trusty rapier. The New York Post called Lawrence Jackson a bonehead buccaneer.

He’s being charged with criminal weapon possession.

Also on the kickball crime wire this week…Howard Altman of the Tampa Tribune writes:

Another kickball game, another melee

On Sunday in Tampa, two fights broke out amongst as many as 100 people during a women’s kickball league game – one right after the other had been calmed by police.

People at the scene told the police that the fight had nothing to do with the kickball game, and it started because of an argument over a video on YouTube.

No one was arrested, but the cops ensured irate league organizers that the league was finished in the park. On April 13, the city made nine arrests linked to the same kickball gathering.

The league was resuming play for the first time since staging a protest against the City, who were demanding that they pay for permits to use the parks. After meeting with league officials, the City Park & Rec department agreed to wave the fee.

Community activist Michelle Williams told ABC Action News that she was extremely disappointed. I stuck my neck out for them. She had gone to bat for the league, filing a complaint on their behalf with the NAACP.

Two isolated incidence of criminal recklessness linked by kickball in one week? Is it too soon to call this a trend?

This is actually my first year participating in the would-be infamous Brooklyn Kickball League – it does well to propagate the undeniable fact that there is little better than playing sports and drinking, and not much else. Certainly, it has little to do with the imminent decline in Western Civilization.

If anything, the pattern we’re seeing (that I’m not sure needs to be pointed out to most people) is that if you play a fourth-grade game, tread lightly….any stray (felonious or just slightly mischievous) is a lob to the media. On Monday, With Leather took a succinctly worded pot-shot – can’t say I blame them – at Jackson and the Brooklyn Kickball League stating: A guy who plays in an ironic kickball league where they dress up in costumes IN NEW YORK was awarded the gold medal in the Douchebag Olympics yesterday.

Assuming we see more, prepare for the blips in the kickballers’ command of the status quo to be well-publicized. Because, Lance, I assure you that not every criminal weapons charge in New York gets a AP story…that’s picked up in Edmonton.

Kickball Shenanigans Links:

• Pirate Kickballer Faces CHHHHAAAARRRGGGGES

• YouTube Video Sparks Kickball Game Brawl, Police Say

• 100 Involved in Fight at Kickball Game, Police Say

• Tampa Police Deal With Fights At Park Kickball Game

• Buccaneer Bust

• Sword-Wielding Man Arrested

• Gothamist: Kickball Pirate Arrested With Sword In Macy’s

Fox 13 in Tampa reports that a Tampa Bay women’s kickball league that meets every Sunday has been banned from the park unless they can come up with $1400 to form an official league.

The story says activists for the league claim they are being discriminated against because they can’t afford the high fee. Also, they claim that other teams that use the park don’t have to pay.

“Am I outraged? Yes. Did I make a formal complaint with the NAACP? Yes, I did. And they’re taking the case,”says community activist Michelle Williams.

The women’s league consists of seven teams and has met for the past six weeks.

Alvin Lewis, Chief of Security for Tampa Parks and Recreation said that the leagues has drawn up to 1000 spectators at a time. In lieu of playing, this past Sunday players protested the measures levied by the city against the league (see the photo above).

Concerning the security of the League’s gathering, Police Lieutenant Rocky Ratliff said “I think they had a good idea to play kickball with the family, but you always have that one percent that messes it up for everyone else.That one percent be drinking and smoking marijuana, we don’t allow that in the park.”

The City representatives would not share with Fox the details about fees required of teams to use the park. They did encourage the women to find businesses in the community to sponsor them so that they can continue the league.

Check out video from the news report on My Fox Tampa Bay