It’s been awhile, but I’m back with some vintage MOK. Remember your boy Kickball Jesus? He’s up to his old tricks , this time, pitting Hipsters against Mormons, on the kickball diamond.

Heavenly Father was Definitely NOT SMILING Down upon these Mormon Kickballers. Game 2 Saw a Mormon team comprised entirely of a (Ex-Mormon) guy and his Mormon cousin and his other Mormon cousin and his other Mormon cousin and his other Mormon cousin (it was weird but yes they were all related) and Hipsters leaving early for prior engagements to “U-Bomb” or ride kiddie bikes downhill or something.

In any case the Mormons have Fallen from Grace from Kickball God, “Heavenly Father” and pretty much Every Other God Looking Down and laughing at them this ALL HALLOWS EVE!

Conclusion: The hipster won, I don’t know what a U-Bomb is, and I do not care. End of story? Oh, The plot thickens…

AND SOOOOO…..Kickball Jesus was walking down the street the Morning after past the Mormon Temple…and LO AND BEHOLD he saw a empty box from a 12-pack of PBR lying right there on the front lawn of the Mormon Temple!!! A sign from KICKBALL GOD indeed that Kickball Jesus’s work here in SLC is NOT FINISHED!

Taunted for their beliefs that alcohol is demonic by a beer that taste so rightfully evil as Pabst – the ultimate sign of disrespect.

Where could I possibly be going with this?…

MORMON VS. HIPSTER KICKBALL 3!

The Holy Trilogy…The Douchey Trilogy…The Final Chapter. Taking place November 15 in Salt Lake (They’ve created a Facebook invite, so you know it’s legit).

Oh, sidebar, a guy who dubbed himself kickball jesus is apparently a hipster… big revelation.

Part Seven in an on-going series on kickball that I feel is determined to continue deep into the cold weather months…

After all, the National Power Poll was just issued this week! Here are the top-16 as compiled by Kickball365.com.

1.) Frosty Balls (VA Recess)
2.) Meatballs (FL West Palm/FL Beach)
3.) Hey Whoa (NY Gotham)
4.) Kick Asphalts (VA Dominion)
5.) Screw the Team (FL Riptide)
6.) Young Guns (FL West Palm/FL Beach)
7.) Menace 2 Sobriety (DC Rock Creek, DC Memorial)
8.) Off in Public (DC Liberty, DC Memorial)
9.) Blue Balls (VA Recess, VA Shore)
10.) Dumpster Fire (NY Freedom)
11.) We Kick Your Balls (AZ Valley)
12.) Friends With Benefits (VA Dominion)
13.) Gonzo (VA Alexandria, VA Arlington)
14.) Sofa King Good (CA Hollywood)
15.) Best Coast Ballers (CA Gold Rush)
16.) Gym Class All Stars (DC Monument)

Folks, you can rank anything in sports – as long as you power rank it. Kickball is no exception.

The rationale is broken down at Kickball365 as well. I’m assuming a certain subjective approach regardless. It’s hard to factor in the competitive nuances of each respective league. For instance, we learned months back that there is a vigilante terrorist group trying to bring the DC league down (see The Mooks of Kickball, part 3). Who knows how this affected some teams’ R.P.I.?

Here’s a photo of the cleverly named, #1-ranked Frosty Balls celebrating victory at the Founders Cup in Las Vegas…

photo credit

I’m ranked pretty high in most Cure songs played on jukeboxes in the Metro-NY area over the last six months. You can pretty much rank everything in life.

photo credit

Gawker gets the nod for this (yeah, right, cause they need my support) about a brawl that broke out on Sunday during the Brooklyn Kickball League’s final night of playoffs – Brooklyn Kickball Brawl: “Brother Fighting Against Brother”

This is the league we played in this year (knocked out in the first round of World Cup-style playoffs, unceremoniously). And I was there for this fiasco!

Ok, I was in the bar. But rumor was a full beer was heaved at someone – which is surprising with this crowd, because that’s really more of a meathead move.

Disappointing way for the season to end. This is the same kickball league that made Jimmy Traina’s SI.com Hot Clicks for hosting an International Tournament! (their fourth annual, in fact). Cooler heads did end up prevailing and according to BrooklynKickball.com the finals are rescheduled for next week.

But seriously, what sort of retaliation wouldn’t be justified for having a full beer hurled at you?Flamethrower?

Welcome to part six of my seemingly infinite discourse on the wacky (sometimes wackness) from the wide world of kickball.

Though we’re not exactly sure what this edition’s transgressor is up to, some guy who calls himself Kickball Jesus is pumping some kind of kickball meets desolation art exhibit in the Mojave Desert on his blog P.I.M.P.S (People Making Psychogeography Sexy)

Coming November 7th, 2008…

…Only at High Desert Test Sites (HDTS) The Worlds of Kickball and “Sub Fine” Art Collide in The Mojave Desert like Never Before!!

Stay Tuned for more info!!!

~Kickball Jesus (KJ)

Kickball’s Second Coming also affiliates himself with an organization dubbed ‘Kickball Jesus Speculative Ocean Front Property Development Corporation’, which he owns the copyright on.

Whatever this is (probably just a guy whose government name is now kickball jesus), it will be the inaugural exhibit of the Wonder Valley Institute of Art, located in the cultural mecca of Mojave.

Links:

Wonder Valley International C(K)ickball Association (P.I.M.P.S)
Wonder Valley Institute of Contemporary Art

I never thought it would get this out of hand…

TAMPA, FL — Police have arrested a local kickball coach and charged him with raping a 21-year-old kickball player. 26-year-old Andre Javon Newton is also accused of threatening the player’s life.

Investigators say Newton visited the woman in late July and asked her to help provide money for kickball uniforms.

When she went into a bedroom, he reportedly followed her, pushed her onto a bed, and then raped her.

Tampa Police say this is the same kickball league that spawned fights at Riverfront Park back in late-May when officers responded to a brawl of about 100-people. (ABC Action News – Tampa kickball coach accused of raping player)

With the past incidents, It would not shock me if Tampa had some sort of penal kickball league already in existence. Unfortunately for this mook, he’s probably just got lots and lots of solitary confinement to look forward to.

Related Posts:

What the Hell is going on with these Kickball Leagues?
Women’s Kickball League Banned From Tampa Parks, Files Complaint With NAACP

Just when I thought it had reached its peak…

According to Washington City Paper, “The Greatest Kickball Lawsuit of All Time” has come to end.

“In 2006, the World Adult Kickball Association (WAKA) sued upstart DC Kickball, claiming that founder and former WAKA officer Carter Rabasa had stolen the association’s proprietary rules and then defamed WAKA by calling it “the Microsoft of kickball.” Offended and pouting, WAKA demanded $356,000 in damages. Had the legal recourse existed for it, they likely would have forced Rabasa to play bocce for the rest of his life.” (DCist)

A motion filed in April by both sides to dismiss the case was just passed. (i.e. everyone woke up)

There is absurdity abound here, clearly.

• The WAKA, LLC. A limited liability company (for kickball!). Sounds official, I know. You probably pay your rent to an LLC. Apparently, there is clout to be had in the kickball market, but the “Microsoft of Kickball?” The conglomerate empire…of kickball! Where am I? Even the Initech of kickball shouldn’t exist!

• $356,000 in damages! That’s like somebody’s pension, if they have decent mob ties. A lawyer – in the unaccredited and strip mall sense of the profession – screed that on some documentation at one point while this suit was going on. Apparently, they were a little off, and calling somebody the Microsoft of is not actually defamation.

Forget the legal precedent set here, Let’s see if we can get a few of the same cuckoo puff law-types back involved, and reopen these proceedings with Frank Zappa suing for copyright infringement – citing the tampering of his song Waka Zawaka.

For the record, copyright infringement, tampering – I don’t know if any of this is proper terminology. If this wasn’t such fantasy camp stuff, I’d be more concerned.

I will conclude my expose of the kickball universe whenever the hell folks stop feeding me gold…

Since first posting about the gals of the Tampa Bay kickball league, I’ve received multiple emails and comments from kickball enthusiasts in D.C., Memphis and Quebec; I’m now subscribing to like ten RSS feeds for kickball blogs.

Please keep sending! I assure you that info about kickball glory and prowess will be given as much consideration (at least half the time) as the details about on-field violence and degenerate off-field behavior.

Now get a load of these monkeys…

I first learned about this site from the Gothamist post on the kickballer who was arrested wielding a sword in Macys. Amongst all the potshot comments, a link to a website with an overtly inimical message stuck out – dieyuppiekickball.com.

The site serves as an organizational hub for the Anti Yuppie Kickball Guerilla Front, whose credo reads:

We, the Anti Yuppie Kickball Guerilla Front, do advocate all ridiculous direct action and pranks persuant to the collapse of kickball for Young Professionals in the greater Washington, DC area. For too long have we sat idle while all the chumps, douche-bags, yuppies, and stripey-shirt imported assholes of this town coalesced their power under this banner.

Here’s the conspiracy chart… because when it comes to militant action, there is such as fine line between the rational and the delusional:

Here’s a diagram that details ball-napping, one of the AYKGF’s guerilla tactics… sadly, there are no examples of this on YouTube, and no wikipedia page has been created yet.

…

A recent news item from the site reports that Agent T-Bone has been stripped of rank and privilege and declared excommunicate after admitting joining a Brooklyn kickball league.

A post from October 2007, details the arrest of Agent Inquisitor K, who was later arraigned on several charges including advocating terrorism.

After several google searches for Inquisitor K (…and “terrorism”;…and “U.S. Marshals”;…and “aggravated assault” + “ball-napping”), nothing came up to corroborate the post…shocking. From what I can tell, the title of Inquisitor implies a high-level in the chain or command, more so than both Agent and Conscript.

If you think this might be for you, I’d encourage you to visit the site and check out the Join the Front page. They’ve posted some of their “most righteous application statements”, like:

“Crusaders against banal conformity, accept my service! This plague of idiots must know the stink of a shit bomb; they WILL learn that the ball they enslave exists to smite them in a dodgeball frenzy!”

…personally, I’m trying to envision what would happen to somebody lest they were actually put in jail for some of this.